Transformational Trauma and Healing: Your Comeback After Divorce

Join us in a lively conversation about the trauma of divorce, how it can impact us, and how to create a roadmap to comeback to your new normal. 

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Transcript

Carrie Rickert 

Welcome, Heidi, I am so glad that you're here with us today.

Heidi Bee 

Thank you so much for having me, Carry. I'm I've been looking forward to this conversation for a while now.

Carrie Rickert 

Awesome Me too. Whenever I know someone that I'm interviewing for the podcast, I always like to kind of let the listeners know how we know each other. So we know each other from our networking group Evolve and the offshoot of that, the Excel Accountability Group. So I've had the opportunity to really, to truly understand what you do. So I really, I cannot wait to share this with our listeners.

Heidi Bee 

I think that's one of the best ways to connect with people I've realized is through some of these networking experiences and collaboration opportunities. When you get to know somebody, then you can decide truly. Like story needs to be shared with other people, right?

Carrie Rickert 

Exactly, exactly so. If you don't mind, I'd love to start the conversation out with why you founded your divorce planner.

Heidi Bee 

Oh my gosh, it would be such a privilege to share honestly. Thanks for asking. I well 1st of all, I wasn't, I don't know about you, but I wasn't planning on divorce,

Carrie Rickert 

Nope, nope. Not planning on that at all.

Heidi Bee 

Not planning on that, you know, I, I kind of um, arrived to it in that chapter of my life. One day. And honestly Carry, at that time I didn't really understand whyy I was getting divorced at the time. I think there's a lott of people who know exactly why they were there and things were tumultuous and they just couldn't stand it anymore, They couldn't take it anymore or there was abuse or there was infidelity or there I didn't have some of the what some people would think or society would pitch to us as traditional elements of divorce.

Heidi Bee 

I just kind of found myself actually sitting at a pub with my partner where we had gone on every single Saturday and He looked across the table and said, are you happy? And I, I couldn't believe it. I just out of my mouth said not really, no, and he said maybe we should get divorced and I went, I think we should. I mean we hadn't thought previously. There are a lot of other things going on, all things in hindsight now after doing healing and digging in, but this really wasn't that traditional experience.

Heidi Bee 

So I just wanted to share that part of it. And so I was looking for once I got divorced, didn't exist. It just, it didn't exist. The kind of healing, the kind of support, all those elements. I couldn't find what I was looking for. So at that point in my life I was just highly driven. Woman I was working a six figure a job in the planning industry, in the events industry, running multi million dollar events for companies. And all I could think at that time was I do not want divorce to take me down.

Heidi Bee 

I'm not gonna be that girl that gets sad about it. I'm gonna get my life together and I'm moving on who needs you. Like kind of really like put up a lot of walls and protectors and use those to kind of just like shove my way through to my healing. Well, what actually happened was I went down, I Went down and in that down dark time I numbed out.

Carrie Rickert 

Okay.

Heidi Bee 

I mean, you name it. I did it outside of drugs. Like I used alcohol instead and food and Netflix and napping, and I even used some things that people would consider healthy. I used over exercising. I overdid Everything in my life.

Carrie Rickert 

May.

Heidi Bee 

I overworked, I over ate, I over drank, I over socialized, I over did all the areas as an avoiding, distracting mechanism until I just, I got sick of my own shit. I got so sick of my own sadness. And I realized at some point I, I'm delaying my desires. This is no like I'm gonna get it done. I, I'm gonna do divorce differently than everybody else. I just got sick of my sadness. And when I came to really be honest with myself, where I actually found myself most days carry after work on the bathroom floor crying my eyes out.

Heidi Bee 

And it was just a common spot. Like it just happened all the time for months and months. And I got really good at faking it and Hiding it,

Carrie Rickert 

Sure.

Heidi Bee 

All the things right.

Carrie Rickert 

Because that's what the culture expects.

Heidi Bee 

That's it exactly. And you know, I got really good at crying on the way to work, sitting in the, my car, wiping my tears out, pulling myself together, showing up as this powerhouse event woman manager. Here I am smiling, happy, people thought, oh, she's okay, and then I would get home and I would drink a bottle of wine and hit the bathroom floor and ball my eyes out and I would just do it over and over again and then I just got sick of it. So one day I was lying on the bathroom floor and I swear to you, I, I had like defined intervention moment.

Heidi Bee 

I've never experienced this in my life, but literally like a voice said to me, get up And go get your joy.

Carrie Rickert 

Wow.

Heidi Bee 

Felt like I had lost my joy, and it was something that all of my life like through my childhood and my college days, joy came really easily to me.

Carrie Rickert 

Okay.

Heidi Bee 

Really did. I just was in that energy. I was able to hold that energy and navigate that energy very, very easily. And I didn't know at the time that was kind of a superpower for me that, that isn't always that easy. Until I was completely drained and it was gone. It was like I got divorced, hit the bathroom floor and just, it was gone and I thought, I'm never getting it back. So this day this voice was just like, Okay, get up, get up. And I was like, Whoa, okay, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm, I'm gonna listen

Carrie Rickert 

You're getting up.

Heidi Bee 

I'm getting up and I put my shoes on. W decided I was gonna go look for joy. I'm like, I guess the voice is like could get up and go look for joy. So without knowing it, I invented this concept that I called joy spotting, and I just started walking and walking and looking for joy and little by little I kind of found it. But that was one of the practices that I used. But another thing that I started doing was I went to Barnes and Noble,

Heidi Bee 

I bought a book called The Miracle Morning, I started listening to podcasts. I tried to do all these little elements of things to kind of put myself back together, but it still wasn't. I needed, I needed Pe, I, I needed people, I needed support, I needed to know how to navigate my trauma, I needed so many things and I felt super lonely. It was like I had my partner for over eleven years and I felt super lonely and I didn't know where to find anybody. And so when eventually went to a woman's conference.

Heidi Bee 

On stage there was a coach talking about, hey, like I teach people how to. Heal from their traumas and then through their own healing, they go on to become coaches and use that for other people. And I thought, Oh, my soul, this is it. So I signed up for this eleven month coaching experience, went through deep healing on myself, figured out what actually had been happening and how to heal myself, learned all the tools and practices to do that. And then I quit my six figure job a month after I graduated and started my coaching practice just because I deeply, deeply knew that, like I had a job that I loved and I was getting paid a crap ton of money to do it.

Heidi Bee 

But the nudge was like, you, if you can heal yourself using this stuff, you need to show every single divorced woman how to do that. I know a long story,

Carrie Rickert 

Wow,

Heidi Bee 

but that's kind of how I came to be here.

Carrie Rickert 

Wow, that is so that that's. Wow, divine intervention is always a cool thing, right? So it's interesting because the, some of the things that you talked about with your divorce, it, it made me think of, of mine in that, you know. Ex husband and I weren't happy. We were married for ten years, but we had two kids. We were going through the motions, we were logistically just fine and Um, we didn't fight, we didn't, you know, wasn't like, There were battles every day. I and, and the numbing.

Carrie Rickert 

I worked 80 h a week. I When I was done working, I took care of the kids, then I would put them to bed and then I would start working again and in hindsight, that was all to avoid. Actually having a real conversation with my ex husband, it probably took me five years to make that decision. Then when I made the decision, I, you know, then I thought, okay, I've made this decision and it felt good, like it felt like the right thing to do. You know, once we got through all of the like, annoying mediation and figuring out like who was getting the kids when and all that stuff and like who was keeping what, you know, which always brings up some hurt feelings and, and things like that.

Carrie Rickert 

And certainly my ex husband was not happy with my decision to get divorced. And you know, but I was, and then I was hit by this. Like I, I remember moving out of our home and getting a condo and being so elated and thrilled and knowing this was the right thing. And then the next day feeling like, oh my God, what did I do, you know,

Heidi Bee 

Yes,

Heidi Bee 

I had the same exact experience,

Heidi Bee 

yeah.

Carrie Rickert 

Feeling so sad and like it,

Carrie Rickert 

and it wasn't I feel so sad, I want him back. I didn't, I felt so sad. I'll tell you the biggest, the biggest thing, I was sad and I was disappointed because I failed. At marriage. I failed at the thing that every little girl is told that this is the pinnacle of life, right? You know, like we are sold a bag of goods from the moment we are born. We are told that, you know, we're gonna find out, it's charming and we're gonna get married and live happily ever after. And more than 50 % of people, that is bullshit.

Carrie Rickert 

And yet the cultural expectation is so pervasive. We look at ourselves as complete and utter failures. I wasn't looking at my ex husband as Failing at marriage, I was the one who was supposed to keep it all together. I was the one who decided I can't do this anymore, I need to stop, you know, which, which just makes me feel like all divorces are, are different and can and impact people in, in different ways. But I think divorce, no matter whether you've asked for it, whether you're happy about it, it's all trauma.

Heidi Bee 

Yes.

Carrie Rickert 

What are your thoughts on? On that? Because you use the trauma word too, and obviously this is a podcast about trauma. But I mean, I truly believe that my divorce was absolute. The best thing I could have done, and the right thing for me. It was really hard and

Heidi Bee 

Oh yeah, absolutely, absolutely. I'm so glad that you shared that. Because. Well, one of the things that you said that I also wanted to comment on was that like logistically things were fine, right? Like logistically things are fine, but I started feeling like we were a little too logistical and a lot less like lifestyle, right? And when you said like, but we weren't happy, like logistically we were fine, but we weren't happy and what? I realized is like wasn't happy with myself.

Carrie Rickert 

Right.

Heidi Bee 

I wasn't happy with myself, and I thought that it was. It was just an us thing or just a hymn thing, and it was so much more than just an us or a hym thing, it was a big part of it was a me thing. I thought, you know, if, well, if he wants to get divorced and like, I'd rather if someone doesn't want to be with me, I don't just want to like stick around and be with him. So, you know, maybe this, this is just the way it's gonna be, this will be a lot easier. All what I will tell you is divorce is not the easy way out, it is the hardest way through.

Heidi Bee 

Yourself. That's what I found.

Carrie Rickert 

Agreed.

Heidi Bee 

The hardest way through to myself to come find myself uh, my true self, which I wasn't showing up as in my marriage. I didn't even know that this version of myself that you're talking to today existed. I, I didn't know her. But I, the concept of trauma, I think for me 1st starts with like, what, how do, how do you define trauma, right? And so I believe that Trauma is the unhealed parts of us frozen in time.

Carrie Rickert 

Love that definition.

Heidi Bee 

The unhealed parts of us frozen in time. And when I think of trauma, I, I realize what I've learned about my own is that you don't get over it, you don't get rid of it. You learn how to include it, acknowledge it, allow all of the painful part to really be seen and be heard. Be noticed and be nourished and when we do that I believe that it softens and we have more space and the trauma doesn't take up so much of our body track and we're not suffocated by our trauma and we learn how to care for that part so it doesn't linger around as long and the reason why I believe this carry is because like if trauma is truly the unhealed parts of us frozen in time like there is there will always be a part of me that was the wife there will always be a part of me that went through divorce and felt pain like I have never felt it before I can't forget that stuff I can't forget it um there's times where I'll be telling my story or moments where it will hit me or even days I got divorced in twenty fifteen and we're in twenty three right now there are still moments where I'm working with my clients and they say something and I notice wow I feel my trauma in there having a moment with this person,

Heidi Bee 

like feeling, feeling their experience with them because of frozen part of me in time, and it will still always be there, But I've gotten really good healing it and honoring it and understanding it. Its a part of me. Instead of trying to go get away, get off of me for I wanna forget this. Like go away and just like smacking it away, like that doesn't really help. It really needs to just be a brought in. I think that, you know, like you said, trauma is different because person is so unique.

Heidi Bee 

Every Experience is so unique,

Carrie Rickert 

Hey.

Heidi Bee 

you know, And my, my trauma popped up in lots of ways, but I think the biggest parts were like blame, shame, guilt, embarrassment, like really like a lot of self induced pieces. And that came from Even knowing what trauma was, I, didn't know what, what trauma was until somebody taught me that I had it. I just figured like, well, this is how everyone feels going through divorce. Everybody, you know, at some point will, will just like suck it up and move on up, fake till I make it, you know, this is just how people feel.

Heidi Bee 

I, I didn't even know what trauma was. And what I learned is that all of my unresolved trauma and all of those parts that had gone, gone unnoticed and un nourished were my own insecurities. Those were I had body image sec insecurities, body dysmorphic, disordered eating, two decades of self loathing. Buying into the societal timeline of go to school, get a job, get married, have kids. And when you said like I failed my marriage, I felt like I had failed beyond like I didn't have any kids, like I didn't and I just felt like I didn't even really know the real truth about my trauma until I started doing the healing work, which is why these, these types of conversations are just so, so important.

Carrie Rickert 

It. It's interesting because you mentioned before The numbing, you know, the, the putting up walls and I think I did that, I know I did that, my marriage. You know, that is why I worked as hard and as long as I did, that is why I did everything for the children. I did all those things cause so then I could be resentful. Of the fact that my husband wasn't doing any of those things, you know, he was working but not 80 h a week and taking care of the children. So for me, our relationship ended up being, I was very self righteous And I thought he was very self absorbed.

Heidi Bee 

Is it?

Carrie Rickert 

We separated. I I really did. Felt things that I hadn't felt ten years You know, like I, I realized that the resentment and the frustration and all of that stuff that I was trying to push away by doing more and doing more. Building up things that I didn't even like, I didn't need to keep that around. But I still did and even to this day, like there are times where I'm like, Oh my God, can't he just do anything for these children? And it's not that he does nothing for my children, you know, like I it's that numbing, pushing things away.

Carrie Rickert 

I'm gonna just do more. I am gonna be the best at this. And that was definitely something that drove a wedge in our relationship. I also don't think we were the right fit, but you know, I think on both sides of it, we weren't, we weren't helping each other and we weren't helping our relationship because. You know, I set things up badly in that I was fulfilling the childhood image of what marriage was and then I realized that wasn't sustainable. And he had gotten used to that. So unwinding from all of that traumatic and Brings up.

Heidi Bee 

Yes.

Carrie Rickert 

And years of Why do I have this in my mind, that this is what is supposed to be? Why Am I allowing culture to dictate what's okay for me. Because I think looking back and I don't regret my marriage because I certainly don't regret my children, but looking back. If I had been armed with the knowledge that I have now of who I am and the world could look like, probably wouldn't have gotten married at all.

Heidi Bee 

Feel that I do not regret being married. I love that you share that I do not regret being married and I don't have children And The reason why is because after moving through the trauma and the healing work,

Carrie Rickert 

Ma.

Heidi Bee 

I uncovered and discovered a version of myself that I finally, for the 1st time in my life after. Finally decided to step into all of this and figure it all out for the 1st time in my life. Like I could finally say to myself,

Carrie Rickert 

Oh.

Heidi Bee 

I love you and mean it and look in the mirror and not think that I was just some ogre of a human that I would look in and just rip apart all the time. Like Doing like so much damage to myself and emotionally doing even worse damage to myself and without going through these moments of trauma.

Carrie Rickert 

Hey.

Heidi Bee 

With my ex husband, with my husband at the time, I would have never found this the version of me that I am right now, and so I too don't regret

Carrie Rickert 

Exactly, exactly like I feel, I mean, yeah, some of it sucked. If I hadn't gone through that, I wouldn't be who I am. I wouldn't be able to share with my children the real me. Which is mean? What a gift for all of us. Able to share yourself with the world. Who you really are and want to be, and without going through all the hard parts, you don't know who that is. I mean.

Heidi Bee 

I mean, you know the I hate to use this as an example, but not really, but you know, the Kelly Clarkston song that says what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, like stand a little taller, you know. You're not alone. I really think, like I thought that I was never going to feel joy again. Like it was killing me inside, the, the pain that I didn't realize I was gonna be faced with, from Ma. Making a decision I made the decision like with my partner, but like we made the decision and I now I felt worse.

Heidi Bee 

What is going on, But what doesn't kill you?

Carrie Rickert 

Happy.

Heidi Bee 

Like what? Wait, wait a minute, wait, hold on. That wasn't how that was supposed to go down, but it truly, truly did, did make me stronger and extracted things from me that I didn't know that I had inside of me.

Heidi Bee 

So even moments where you may feel like you're at your weakest, you are building the muscle and actually I believe we're expanding our capacity for whatever it is in that moment. Like divorce can be a very uncomfortable and uncertain time, but life is going to be filled with many, many uncomfortable situations and many, many uncertain situations. So if you have a moment of trauma, you can actually use that to expand your capacity for discomfort, expand your like for, It is in these different areas and when I look at it like that, I'm like, Wow, what a blessing.

Heidi Bee 

I literally just push the edges of something that I didn't even know that I had that in me.

Carrie Rickert 

I know it isn't. And again, that's such a gift.

Heidi Bee 

Yes.

Carrie Rickert 

Anyone we interact with creates an impact that just expands on right It.

Heidi Bee 

Yes. I have this, I have this saying that I love to use. That is like heartbreak makes you whole.

Carrie Rickert 

Uhhuh. I like

Heidi Bee 

heart. It, it heartbreak. It also makes you human. Maybe that's even more true than whole. I think that you're not whole if you don't risk your, if you don't put yourself in a position of, and anytime we love deeply, we put ourselves in a position of vulnerability and risk.

Carrie Rickert 

Absolutely,

Carrie Rickert 

yep.

Heidi Bee 

Is love,

Heidi Bee 

that is love. So like You're put in that position where you can love so deeply and risk it all, and your heart gets broken. Your whole, you're human. You, you've experienced the whole breadth of human emotions, and if you didn't experience that heartbreak and you didn't experience loss, you wouldn't be whole, you just wouldn't.

Carrie Rickert 

No, I completely agree. Let's turn a little bit to, some of your clients and obviously I'm not asking you to name names,

Heidi Bee 

Start.

Carrie Rickert 

But what are the most common things that people tell you after a divorce?

Heidi Bee 

Oh my gosh, oh, I love this question so much, so many things, so many things. I feel lost, I feel lonely, I feel embarrassed, I feel sad, I feel shame, I feel it's a lot of feels, I feel this way and many of them say, gosh, I'm just, I'm on a roller coaster of emotions and we talk a lot about getting off the ride. And a lott of people say I'm so sick of crying, I'm so sick of crying. And I always tell my clients, I, I know you are. What I want you to remember is that your tears are truth. There is something in your tear drops that is coming through, that is releasing out of your physical bod, that is showing you some sense of truth.

Heidi Bee 

So if you got a lott of tears and they just won't stop coming, just know that there's just a lott of truth that is pouring out of you and that's a really beautiful thing,

Carrie Rickert 

That's a really good frame, but I like that reframe there.

Heidi Bee 

Tears our truth. Because so I mean, that's like probably one of the number ones is like, I'm so sick of crying and I, I know what that feel, I know what that feels like, And you are just like, there's this, that saying all cried out. And sometimes it's like I'm just, I wish I was all cried out, but I'm not. It won't stop, you know, how do I get it to stop hid, How do I get the tears? To stop. And it's like, it's not actually a matter of stopping that, it's a matter of just like again allowing holding space for that and, and just so much allowance happens.

Heidi Bee 

That is a part of the healing process. But people also say things like, you know, I, I don't, I don't want anybody to know. A lot of shame. I don't want anybody, I don't want anybody to know. I remember I didn't want, I didn't want to tell my parents. I waited to tell my parents until like the week before we were moving out. It was uh, I was just, I didn't want anybody to know. They say things like, where are all the other divorced women at? Am. I'm alone.

Carrie Rickert 

None of Friends,

Heidi Bee 

I feel so alone.

Carrie Rickert 

of Friends.

Heidi Bee 

Yes, that's another thing. No one in my family, no one in my circle of friends has ever been through it. They don't get it. They don't understand.

Carrie Rickert 

I'm friends with divorced women now, but I was getting divorced.

Heidi Bee 

Yes.

Carrie Rickert 

The people that I was close to. None, none of them. They're still not divorced and which I am. I am grateful that for them, that they aren't. But but, you know, it was really hard to be the only one and to be Isolated and alone in that journey.

Heidi Bee 

Yes. Absolutely. And even though those folks care for you, it's another reason why I think it's super important to get support circles and mentorship and coaching and things like that, because those people can love you so deeply, but they're not always the people that you want to talk to about some of this trauma and unpack it and you know, you don't want to put it there. And there's a lot behind that of, you know, I, I don't want, I think I don't want to bring them down. We tell ourselves all these different things, but sometimes we just want to be really private with it.

Heidi Bee 

And the people closest to us who Although they will love us and support us no matter what, it's not where we want to place our trust. With this vulnerable moment, in time, with this trauma. I have so many women say it.

Carrie Rickert 

Because they Understand,

Heidi Bee 

they understand.

Carrie Rickert 

like,

Heidi Bee 

Yes, and they, they literally don't feel it at a V visceral level like those of us who have been through it. And I equate this because I'm not a mom. So I use this example because I am divorced and so it's easy for me to go like I know a divorced woman, feel like I was divorced, but I'm not a mom. And I know that when moms speak to moms, there is an unspoken knowingness of like, Whoa, I get it. You don't even have to tell me the whole back story. I'm a mom of a ten year old. I mean mom's name, ages and moments and time and milestones and things and other moms just go like Go it,

Carrie Rickert 

you need Oh yeah, I gotcha.

Heidi Bee 

gotcha. Yeah, the same thing in any, in any human experience, where it's kind of that those moments that feel like so deeply. Divorce is one of them, right? Like you talk to a divorced woman and there are so many. I get it, I got you. I know what you're talking about. Moments that it just feels so connected. When you find one and I know exactly what you're talking about. I didn't know anyone who was divorced and I had a lot of people saying things like did you try everything? try everything?

Carrie Rickert 

Did go Did you.

Heidi Bee 

Yes, I've got a book for you. Maybe you guys can just try a little bit harder. And I just felt so. I felt traumatized by that too, just that people didn't believe that I knew what was right for me,

Heidi Bee 

and so they were just trying to help me do what was right for me. And then I felt like a bad person and like I had failed and that I had failed my parents and failed society and failed my friends and failed my partner, and I just felt like, wow, like nobody gets it.

Carrie Rickert 

And that's crushing,

Carrie Rickert 

Crushing. You know, obviously you're a coach, so how do you help people navigate the new normal and you say, as you say, coordinate their comeback.

Heidi Bee 

Yeah. Well, another phrase that I hear a lot from a divorced woman is I wanna feel like me again, I don't know who I amm, I wanna feel like me. Sometimes they'll say things like maybe it's just too late, May, maybe this is it. And I'm like, no, no, no. Like we have plenty of time for you to feel like you again, for you to find your new normal. And I like the phrase find your new normal and create your come back, because I think that it is not like, I think a lot of people might say, you know, just get over it or move on and I, I don't, I, I don't think that.

Heidi Bee 

Is actually it. I think it's like I just need to find my new normal, like what that looks like for me and I don't know what that is. So um, I feel like what is missing for a lot of people in this space is what was missing for me, and that was the plan. And so I think it's really important in my space that I give women the road map and the resources and then what we were just talking about that I get it. People, the relationships of people who get it. Road map Resources and relationships to navigate those waters of what your life is going to look like now, and we get to participate in creating what that looks like, We're the creators of our life, We're also the destroyers of our life.

Heidi Bee 

But by being the creator, like, I really think you just need those three things in place. Like the road map is where do I need to go, How, how I gonna do this. Like when Think about a road trip,

Carrie Rickert 

Thank.

Heidi Bee 

like it's really nice to have a map, otherwise you're just wandering and it might take you a really, really long time to get there and you may never get there. And so it's important to have that road map. It's important to have the resources of like the, the knowledge piece of like there are actual tools and processes and practices that you can legitimately use on a daily basis. Things that I didn't know until I went through my own healing and coaching journey that were like game changers of wow, implement and integrate this into your life right now and, and be curious about the shifts that you're noticing.

Heidi Bee 

So there's those that resource piece, of experts and professionals and things like that. And then the relationships piece, of course, is just so integral. I, I really think that one of the biggest things for me was I thought if I could just hide long enough, if I could just isolate long enough, and then I could just pop out one day as a better version of me, you know. One day I would just like if I wait, if I wait it out, right, like time heals all I think is like one of the worst phrases that has found its way to society.

Heidi Bee 

I don't think that time heals all, all the time I think that we, we heal, we heal ourselves by taking action and be

Carrie Rickert 

But we have to be intentional, Yeah, like we can't just wait.

Heidi Bee 

That's exactly, exactly it. So um, I, I really think that uh, big deterrent and distraction is that. We don't feel clear on what we're supposed to do next. And I think it feels confusing and it feels unfamiliar and there's lots of unknowns. And so I tried a lot of things that didn't work. So through my practice I wanna, I wanna save you some time and hassle and heartache. I just wanna show you right where you can go and what you can start trying on for size, to see what works for you and then also just keeping it simple.

Heidi Bee 

Divorce can feel super overwhelming and Paralyzing like really paralyzing pain, can shut you down. Because everything feels hard. Like, I don't know if you felt like that, but I was like, why is it so hard to do everything in my life right now? Everything feels hard, right?

Carrie Rickert 

And I think it was compounded by the fact that I was single mothering, right? So when my ex husband and I separated, I had the kids 60 % of the time he had them 40, that's 60 % of the time I was frying my hardest to be the most amazing mother on the planet. And then by the time They were going to be with their dad. I was like, Oh, thank God, they're gone. You know, not because I didn't want to be around my kids, I just needed a little break, but then you know, a day in, I was like, where the, you know, so, so it is very, is very confusing.

Carrie Rickert 

It's very overwhelming. You know, and, and so many mixed emotions and like you said, if you don't have Connections. If you don't have people to talk to who have walked in similar shoes, it's much harder to get through it.

Heidi Bee 

It, it definitely is. And I love to use an acronym that I generated, that is literally the word simple like divorce made simple. Okay, and I won't go into all the depths of it, but um, it, it basically stands for safety. So we gotta learn how to make ourselves feel safe. If we don't feel safe, nothing happens. I learned early on, so safety and then support, so the is safety and support. The eye is intention. I gotta put intention behind what I want my life to look like and how I'm show up. I need to the end and simplest move, make a move either.

Heidi Bee 

Physically, I found that again I went out joy spotting almost every day. So moving my body allowed me to move. The energy inside of me allowed some of that trauma to get kicked around and, and some of it got to come out and be seen and all those things like moving. But then also like What's my next best step? Like I gotta make a move somewhere, right? So feel safe, feel supported, create intention, make a move. The P is permission, give myself permission to do things. The l is a loving lens and seeing like the loving lessons and the e is encouragement.

Heidi Bee 

We are our own worst critics. So I always tell folks like, if you do nothing. Else at the end of the day, you have to find a way to be your own cheerleader to encourage yourself. Instead of letting the mean girl messages just saturate your mind. We have to find a way to champion our own thoughts. So that's kind of my simple process and listeners can get a deeper dive into that process if they wanna go on my website and get the, there is a free divorce combat kit and it walks them through the simple process,

Heidi Bee 

in more depth and things like that. But I think like we gotta 1st start by just keeping it simple.

Carrie Rickert 

Okay, cool, so. Newly divorced woman wants, decides that they want to work with you. What can they expect?

Heidi Bee 

I love this so, so much. Well, you can expect a lot of things. You can expect, a partnership. I really think that I love to talk to people and make sure that it's a fit before we get into all the goodies. Just because it really is a partnership. I don't see myself as someone who knows more than you. I'm just the person who has been through it that can, show you the different tools and practices to find yourself again. I'm definitely a champion type of a coach.

Heidi Bee 

As much as I encourage you to champion yourself, I definitely have that cheerleader champion aspect in me. I'm excited about because I can often see the potential that people have, like even in their darkest of times. Like I can see it, I can see the spark of joy that they've gott, so they can expect that partnership, that champion, they can expect, the real deal. So I, like I said, went through my certified coaching practice. So I, it's, it's not like a bogus person that just decided to wake up yesterday and go like I'm gonna help people, you know, Like I actually learned and got certified as a coach and I got certified as a breath work facility.

Heidi Bee 

Tator and that is a powerful practice. Using breath in your body to navigate the inner parts of you, which is usually something that not all coaches do. In addition to that, I'm a trauma informed coach. So what's trauma informed? It's really just making sure that the physical and emotional safety is put 1st and that we move from a place of self sovereignty and that you really have the power of your own individual choice. It's not me going. Harry do this, do this,

Heidi Bee 

do this, right? Like it's like showing you, giving you options and opportunity. So I think trauma informed coaching is super important piece of what you're gonna get with me. Like I said, it's not really telling you what to do, it's helping you uncover and discover the truths about yourself, and in doing so, that is the gateway to knowing what your next best step is. So I think that's super important.

Carrie Rickert 

Hey.

Heidi Bee 

And Michael. Coaching is not therapy, it's not therapy. I think therapy is amazing,

Heidi Bee 

but I also think coaching hass a different layer of it. Co My coaching really focuses on who you want to be now and the life you want to live now. Your next chapter and sure the past is gonna pop up.

Heidi Bee 

Our trauma is a part of it, but we aren't like trying to figure that out. What we're trying to do is use self discovery as the recovery. Uncovering parts of yourself. That's the recovery. And the more that we understand ourselves, the better that we can respond to and navigate life. That really ultimately allows us to design a life that we desire. So I think it's important to have all of those pieces plus like tangible tools. Accountability Hooding your practices into place Consistently using the somatic body based practices because The somatic body based practices like breath work create sustainable and maintainable change for life, and they transfer to other parts of our chapters later on.

Heidi Bee 

Right?

Carrie Rickert 

Absolutely. And I will say that Meditation and breath work have been significant for navigating of my trauma.

Heidi Bee 

Yes,

Carrie Rickert 

and,

Heidi Bee 

I'm glad that you,

Heidi Bee 

yeah. Me, too.

Carrie Rickert 

I was always somebody who thought meditation was really hard and Still think it's kind of hard,

Carrie Rickert 

but I'm a very fast paced person and again. There's the numbing I, if I'm doing, doing, I'm ignoring the things that aren't feeling so good.

Heidi Bee 

Yes.

Carrie Rickert 

Meditation for me has been An awakening of, oh, I can actually sit with myself and feel the feelings. It's still hard. You know, and some days are better than others, but, but I, it is, it has been, I agree with you, that is such an important practice, to really. Be able to sit with yourself.

Heidi Bee 

I love that you said it still feels hard because I feel the same wayy and I facilitate breath work and I also do it with myself, but I still feel like it's hard. I still feel like meditation is hard, but I've realized the benefits of doing it, actually create that sustainable and maintainable change. Because I found that a lott of coaches only focus on mindset, and I think that one thing that does set me aside is that mindset works, it really does work and it's a part of the process that I take people through.

Heidi Bee 

But I've learned that mindset really only works when you're working it. But our body is built to support us twenty four seven on a deep cellular level right like our lungs are pumping air all the parts are working on a deep cellular level so what I teach with the somatic practices and integrating how to make the bridge between mind and body like together how to like really make those Uh, sustainable part of our life force is that when you can get your body on board cellular, your mind will follow.

Heidi Bee 

It's called the bottom up approach. So it's like in and then up versus start with the mind and see and hope For the

Carrie Rickert 

that. I I love that because I've always been a mindset person. I'll just change my mindset and everything will be fine and, and yet I still have places in my body that are painful. Of the stress that I carry around. Focus on Releasing the stress in my body, not, not in my mind, in my body. It allows me to release the stress in my mind, but it has to be the body.

Heidi Bee 

Yes, I love that so much because I think like the body holds the trauma, but the body also The truth.

Carrie Rickert 

Yes.

Heidi Bee 

So if we learn how to Serve the body where the trauma at will get to our truth.

Carrie Rickert 

I love that, I love that. So before we go today, I know you have your own podcast, so tell us a little bit about that because that's an additional resource for newly divorced people.

Heidi Bee 

Yes, oh my gosh, and it's making me. I'm gonna say this out loud, not to put you on the spot, but you needed to come on that. Podcast as well, So we'll have to add that to our ticker.

Carrie Rickert 

Let's do that.

Heidi Bee 

So, so great I have a podcast, you can find it anywhere where you listen to podcast. It's been going for about three years now and the name just got changed, but the content is, serves so many different people, but it's called Your Divorce Planner and it's a weekly show and um, it's really a combination of kind of solo jams and then also guests where we're talking about transformational tools and really having like, just like this very candid conversations to, with the intention of helping folks create their comeback.

Heidi Bee 

Now this doesn't have to be a comeback from divorce. We can come back from loss. We could come back from being a certain age in our life and feeling like, oh, I got the midlife blues. We can come back from a lot of different things in our lives. And so I find that while I had, there's a lot of divorce elements that I have. Folks aren't divorced. To listen to the podcast and go, oh, that, that tool or that conversation you shared today was really important for my life. And I'm not even divorced.

Heidi Bee 

And I'm like, yeah, these, these tools topics are very transferable.

Heidi Bee 

And I really think that goes for anyone, especially listening to your podcast too. You may not think that you have trauma, but if you can extract the pieces that really, pin your system, get curious around those things and see where you might be able to just have a little bit of self growth. So um, yeah, that's, that's the, your Divorce planner is the name and you can find it anywhere.

Carrie Rickert 

Awesome. Thank you so much, Heidi. I am so glad you were here today. This was so much fun.

Heidi Bee 

Thank you so much for having me. I feel like I could talk to you for ever and ever, and I love the work that you're doing out in the world. I'm so excited for your book and for all the ways that you just share yourself so genuinely. So thanks for having me today, Carrie.